VATICAN CITY — The Vatican was thrown into digital disarray this morning after a mysterious classified document—codenamed “Project Sanctum”—was accidentally leaked during a livestream of the Pope’s Wednesday audience. The document appeared for less than 3 seconds on-screen, but that was enough for the X.com Vatican Watch™ community to screenshot, translate, and reformat it into a full-blown global panic.

The document, marked “DIVINE CLEARANCE ONLY”, included phrases like:

  • “Jesuit Neural Interface: Beta Deployment”

  • “Confession Analytics Program – SINdex™ 2.0”

  • “Pre-Rapture Behavioral Conditioning (Pilot)”

  • And handwritten in the margin: “Must test in Arizona before Easter.”

Vatican response: “You weren’t supposed to see that.”

A visibly disturbed Vatican spokesperson told journalists:

“There is no Project Sanctum. There is only prayer and occasional firmware updates.”

Meanwhile, an emergency Papal bulletin was sent to all parishes instructing priests to “speak only in Latin, even during brunch.”

Sources inside the Curia say the Pope has ordered all Vatican computers replaced with typewriters and instructed the Swiss Guard to shoot “any server that beeps unexpectedly.”

Enter the Confession Drones™: Forgiveness now flies at 30 mph

In the hours following the leak, reports emerged from multiple countries of small white drones marked with the Vatican seal, hovering near churches and asking passersby:

“Do you feel guilty today? Tap here to repent.”

Each drone is equipped with voice recognition, GPS sin triangulation, and the ability to grant temporary absolution via holy mist.

A leaked training manual for the drones warns:

“If a subject attempts sarcasm, increase rosary volume to maximum. If atheist detected, deploy fog of existential doubt.”

Soros, Musk, and Trump immediately blamed

According to internal Vatican memos, an emergency theory was issued suggesting that George Soros hacked the livestream, possibly with assistance from an aging Hewlett-Packard printer “still haunted by Karl Marx.”

Elon Musk, after being accused, simply tweeted:

“If the Vatican has AI drones, I want one. I’ll name it Bibl3X.”

Donald Trump, in a Truth Social post, stated:

“The Vatican is very corrupt. I was going to be Pope but they’re rigged. I would’ve been the best Pope. TREMENDOUS forgiveness.”

Viganò reappears… glowing

In a new Telegram video titled “Vatican.exe Is Corrupted,” ex-Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò claims the AI leak proves his long-held belief that the Church has been run by a “holographic anti-Christ uploaded by China” since 2014.

He also presented a slideshow showing:

  • A deepfake of Pope Benedict breakdancing

  • The word “REVELATION” misspelled 14 times

  • A map of Italy flipped upside down with the label “TRUE HELLGATE”

Cardinals split: “Maybe it’s real. Or maybe we’re already uploaded.”

Inside the Holy See, reactions vary.

Some cardinals are calling for immediate clarification. Others suggest leaning into the tech.

Cardinal Velluti (Portugal) proposed rebranding the Church as “HolyCloud™ – Sins Backed Up for Eternity.”

A startup in Silicon Valley has already offered to host Vatican services in the metaverse, promising “digital incense, virtual guilt, and 8K Latin chanting.”

Global faithful divided between panic and memes

Across the world, devout Catholics are confused. A trending X hashtag, #DroneForgiveness, features people live-recording their confessions mid-air, and one viral video shows a drone interrupting a gender reveal party to demand a Hail Mary.

Meanwhile, the Philippines reported several cases of people baptizing their Wi-Fi routers “just in case.”

The Vatican insists: “All is normal. Please ignore the sky.”

In a final address, Pope Francis reassured believers:

“The Church remains the Church. If anything flies toward you while humming Ave Maria, do not be afraid. Or do, but in a holy way.”

He then winked. Twice.